Major Mike’s Musings

Scene: A senior couple reading the newspaper over a morning cup of coffee.

She: So every year we get a C.O.L.A. to offset inflation…what happens if there’s no inflation?

He: We gat a C.O.R.A.

She: What’s that?

He: Cost of Re-election Adjustment.

Found in The Villages Daily Sun:

Berlin — Reuters

A German man mooning at railway staff in a departing train got his trousers caught in a carriage door and ended up being dragged half naked along the platform, out of the station and onto the tracks.

Dangling by his trousers, the 22-year-old journalism student got pulled along for about 200 meters, all the while managing to keep his legs away from the wheels of the train.

The ordeal ended when a passenger pulled the emergency brake.

Rescue services were called in, causing rail services between Bremen and Hamburg to be suspended for over an hour, delaying 23 trains.

Moral of the story: When your mother told you, “Just keep your pants on,”  she wasn’t whistling Dixie.

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”  —Ed Gardner

“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.”  —Mark Twain

“The road to hell is paved with adverbs.”— Stephen King

OK. Here’s Joke #6

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”

In the June 2009 issue of Reader’s Digest, is a joke contest in which the top 10 jokes were published. There were two in particular that I liked: Joke #3 and Joke #6. Here’s Joke #3:

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!

The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.

Up in heaven, she sees God, “You said I had 30 more years to live, ”  she complains.

“That’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?”

God shrugs, “I didn’t recognize you.”¹

1. contributed by Hank Chawansky [↩]

Cat Retirement Home

We’re home, the guests are gone so maybe I’ll get around to posting some more. In the mean time, check out this coupon I got in the mail for cat services. Free cat retirement analysis. Free meow mobile transport service. Cat retirement home. 

I guess if you were a cat person and you had an old cat you just couldn’t bear to put down this wouldn’t seem as weird to you as it does to me.

Sen. Byron Dorgan (D-ND)

So what do you think? Is this a combover or a really expensive hat?

“Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor.” — Laurence J. Peter