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Joke #3
May 19th, 2009 by Mike

In the June 2009 issue of Reader’s Digest, is a joke contest in which the top 10 jokes were published. There were two in particular that I liked: Joke #3 and Joke #6. Here’s Joke #3:

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!

The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.

Up in heaven, she sees God, “You said I had 30 more years to live, ”  she complains.

“That’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?”

God shrugs, “I didn’t recognize you.” 1contributed by Hank Chawansky

Footnotes   [ + ]

1. contributed by Hank Chawansky
Cat Retirement Home
Jan 4th, 2009 by Mike

 

Cat Retirement Home

Cat Retirement Home

We’re home, the guests are gone so maybe I’ll get around to posting some more. In the mean time, check out this coupon I got in the mail for cat services. Free cat retirement analysis. Free meow mobile transport service. Cat retirement home. 

I guess if you were a cat person and you had an old cat you just couldn’t bear to put down this wouldn’t seem as weird to you as it does to me.

Combovers Revisited
Nov 16th, 2008 by Mike

Sen. Byron Dorgan (D-ND)

Sen. Byron Dorgan (D-ND)

So what do you think? Is this a combover or a really expensive hat?

A Miser
Aug 13th, 2008 by Mike

“Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor.” — Laurence J. Peter

Politics
Jul 27th, 2008 by Mike

“Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.” —Ambrose Bierce

“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.” —Ronald Reagan

“Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects.” —Lester B. Pearson

“In politics, absurdity is not a handicap.” —Napoleon Bonaparte

“Crime does not pay … as well as politics.” -Alfred E. Newman

See, Therapy Does Work
May 26th, 2008 by Mike

“After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, ‘No hablo ingles.'” —Ronnie Shakes

William G. McAdoo Quote
May 24th, 2008 by Mike

“It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.” –William G. McAdoo

Which quote reminds me of a story I heard back in the 60s:

A man was driving on a one lane bridge when he met another one driving in the opposite direction. The second man said, “I never back up for and idiot. 1or any other nasty name you like

“I always do,” said the first. He promptly threw the gears into reverse and backed off the bridge.

Footnotes   [ + ]

1. or any other nasty name you like
Ahh, Politics
May 5th, 2008 by Mike

“In politics, absurdity is not a handicap.” –Napoleon Bonaparte

Frozen Dinners
May 4th, 2008 by Mike

“If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.” –Johnny Carson

French Wisdom
Apr 4th, 2008 by Mike

“How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?” — Charles De Gaulle

Juan and Ahmal
Mar 26th, 2008 by Mike

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.”   The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”   Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, “They’re twins!  If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

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