Major Mike's Musings » humor

Message for Old Dad

Mike — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 17:34:06 +0000

Hey, Old Dad, if your Prius accelerator gets stuck, point it toward Florida and come for a visit. Call ahead and we’ll get the nets put up across the highway.

Once in a black and blue moon . . .

Mike — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 14:09:20 +0000

Found in The Villages Daily Sun:

Berlin — Reuters

A German man mooning at railway staff in a departing train got his trousers caught in a carriage door and ended up being dragged half naked along the platform, out of the station and onto the tracks.

Dangling by his trousers, the 22-year-old journalism student got pulled along for about 200 meters, all the while managing to keep his legs away from the wheels of the train.

The ordeal ended when a passenger pulled the emergency brake.

Rescue services were called in, causing rail services between Bremen and Hamburg to be suspended for over an hour, delaying 23 trains.

Moral of the story: When your mother told you, “Just keep your pants on,” she wasn’t whistling Dixie.

The Opera

Mike — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 16:44:08 +0000

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.” —Ed Gardner

Starving Dogs

Mike — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 20:10:26 +0000

“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.” —Mark Twain

Finance

Mike — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 23:48:03 +0000

“Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears.” — Robert W. Sarnoff

Joke #6

Mike — Wed, 20 May 2009 16:45:34 +0000

OK. Here’s Joke #6

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”

Joke #3

Mike — Tue, 19 May 2009 16:43:44 +0000

In the June 2009 issue of Reader’s Digest, is a joke contest in which the top 10 jokes were published. There were two in particular that I liked: Joke #3 and Joke #6. Here’s Joke #3:

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!

The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.

Up in heaven, she sees God, “You said I had 30 more years to live, ” she complains.

“That’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?”

God shrugs, “I didn’t recognize you.”¹

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contributed by Hank Chawansky

Politics

Mike — Fri, 15 May 2009 21:26:20 +0000

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.”¹

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Ernest Benn

Corruption

Mike — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 19:40:59 +0000

“If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?”¹

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Harry Shearer

Our Side

Mike — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 19:02:59 +0000

“Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness.”¹

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Cullen Hightower