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In the June 2009 issue of Reader’s Digest, is a joke contest in which the top 10 jokes were published. There were two in particular that I liked: Joke #3 and Joke #6. Here’s Joke #3:
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God, “You said I had 30 more years to live, ” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” God shrugs, “I didn’t recognize you.”1
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!
The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God, “You said I had 30 more years to live, ” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?”
God shrugs, “I didn’t recognize you.”1
© 2009, J. M. Erickson. All rights reserved.
I’m declaring Mrs. Major completely healed. She spent an hour and a half yesterday at the new JoAnne Fabrics store nearby. Though she still has some annoying swelling in her knees, which the Dr. said will subside in a few months, she set a 10 year record for being on her feet.
© 2008, J. M. Erickson. All rights reserved.
Mrs Major continues to improve. She’s ditched the cane and now walks around even better than before the surgery. She’s still a little tentative, but she doesn’t waddle any more like her knees hurt. She’s cut way down on the pain meds. Maybe she’ll take back some of the household chores.
My golf game continues to improve. I’m pleased with that.
It’s hot. 98º with 50% humidity (5:30 p.m.).1 It seems cooler, now. Around noon it was 91º with 80% humidity. At least we’re not burning down like California. Or flooding like the midwest did.
Is it just me or are our choices for President getting worse each election? I’ve got my clothespin for my nose all ready. I haven’t missed an election since I was 21 (yes we had to be 21 to vote once upon a time) and I don’t plan to miss this one, but I’m really tempted to stay in bed on election day.
I just upgraded my main Mac to OSX 10.5. I like it. It seems to run faster and has lots of new features I like. I ran into some trouble because all of my web sites I test locally on this Mac before I do major revisions to the Internet ones. When I upgraded, none of them worked. Turns out you have to turn on the programming language and databases with 10.5. Earlier versions were automatically turned on. No big deal…just a few edits to some configuration files, but it drove me crazy for about a day and a half.
She’s doing really well. When I got home from the U.S. Open, I noticed right away…she was able to stand up long enough to give me a big welcome home kiss and hug. Now that’s improvement.
As you can see, the tapes have all fallen off the incisions and they are healing nicely.
Mrs. Major is now walking down the street seven houses in the evening instead of the two she was doing when I left. She’s also walking around the house with a cane sometimes instead of the walker. Also, she leaves the walker behind when she can steady herself on a counter or wall. Read the rest of this entry »
Saturday, I worked all day at the Villages Woodworkers Club Woodshop which gave Mrs. Major a chance to see how she would fare while I was out of town at the U.S. Open. She passed with flying colors. She can completely take care of herself.
She’s enlisted the help of friends and neighbors while we are gone. One is moving the newspaper from the driveway to the front door, another is coming to sit in the house while Mrs. Major takes her shower, others are bringing dinner each night, still another is accompanying her on her nightly walk down the street.
In a surprise move this morning, Apria Healthcare, Inc., called to say they’d be by this afternoon to pick up the CPM. We both cheered. Cleveland just left with the dreaded machine. Now Mrs. Major is almost independent.
Bonnie asked what is Mrs. Major going to do while Son Major and I go to the U.S. Open. She can pretty much take care of herself, but we’ve got neighbors and friends lined up to do things like move the newspaper from the driveway to the front door each morning, hang around while Mrs. Major takes a shower, bring meals, and be on call in case she needs someone.
We live in a pretty incredible community. We had several neighbors volunteer to help. Charlene also has some women who play cards together and exercise at the pool together who are all over this. In fact, I think they’re kind of glad to see me go so they can spend more time with Mrs. Major. Read the rest of this entry »
As posted earlier, Mrs. Major has a constant physical motion (CPM) machine that flexes and extends her legs. She is supposed to spend six to eight hours a day per knee in the machine. That’s next to impossible.
We call it dreaded because she can’t get in and out of it by herself. Well, actually, she can get out of it if her right leg is in it because she can roll to the left out of the bed lifting her right leg as she rolls. When her left leg is in the machine, she can’t roll to the left1 It’s hard to get into because there’s a furry extension that she must lay on with her butt and it’s nearly impossible to get flat. The wrinkles make her sore: the princess and the pea sort of thing. The photo is an early one (bandages still on) of her leg in the dreaded machine.
She was a little down this morning. She’s getting very tired of not being able to go at it full steam ahead. She’s tired of the achy knees. And she’s tired of not ever being able to get comfortable.
The great news is that her flexion is 103º in her right leg and 105º in her left. I think she has the dreaded machine cranked up to 109º. I heard great cheering from the other room when the therapist did the measurements.
Mrs. Major was showing off for Son Major yesterday. She stood up from sitting on the bed without the use of her arms. Of course our bed is higher off the ground (24 in) than a normal chair (17 in), but, still…
Today, she also stood up and dried herself after her shower (she had been formerly sitting down to dry herself); then she walked out of the shower to her walker.
The nurse took out all the staples from Mrs. Major’s knees. The tool she used looked nothing like the staple puller I have in my desk. No wonder Mrs. Major didn’t want me to do it. The tool looked like a small pair of pliers that had two teeth on the bottom and one on the top. When she squeezed, the staple would bend upward from the middle, unhook itself from the incision, and Mrs. Major would gasp. Read the rest of this entry »
Well, here you go. This is what Mrs. Major’s knees looked like yesterday when I changed her dressings1.
All in all, she’s doing very well. Monday, the home care nurse and physical therapist were amazed at her mobility and flexibility. She’s walking around on her own using a walker, but she can get herself anywhere in the house she needs to go.
Yesterday, the home health care company delivered a constant physical motion (CPM) machine. We put her leg in it and it flexes and extends her leg from fully extended to whatever degree she chooses to have it flexed. The scheme is to keep increasing the flex as time goes on. She started at 70º at the hospital but is now up to 90º. The physical therapist was here today and said she’s way ahead of schedule.
This morning her left knee was very stiff and painful. She was a little worried because she thought it was a setback, but after her exercises, the knee loosened up and the pain subsided. The PT said that it was normal considering she didn’t move her legs all night long. Maybe we’ll put her on the CPM tonight while she sleeps.
The only disadvantage of the CPM is that she can’t get into or out of it without help, so she’s not as independent as she was on Monday, but the therapy is doing tons of good, so the inconvenience is worth it.
She has been working very hard at her exercises. She’s very determined and courageous. I’m proud of her.
She has appreciated all the cards and calls she’s been getting. Thanks to all of you who’ve sent your well-wishes.
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