“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
–Dave Barry
Category: funny
Beloit College’s Mindset List
Beloit College has published its Mindset List for the class of 2010.
Members of the class of 2010, entering college this fall, were mostly born in 1988. For them: Billy Carter, Lucille Ball, Gilda Radner, Billy Martin, Andy Gibb, and Secretariat have always been dead.
Here are a few of the mindsets:
1. The Soviet Union has never existed and therefore is about as scary as the student union.
7. They have never heard anyone actually “ring it up” on a cash register.
11. A coffee has always taken longer to make than a milkshake.
19. “Google” has always been a verb.
30. Non-denominational mega-churches have always been the fastest growing religious organizations in the U.S.
34. They have always known that “In the criminal justice system the people have been represented by two separate yet equally important groups.”
39. “So” as in “Sooooo New York,” has always been a drawn-out adjective modifying a proper noun, which in turn modifies something else
Toodles.
Here’s Why I Love Robert B. Parker
In Bad Business by Robert B. Parker, Spenser asks Rita Fiore how her love life is going. She responds:
“Busy,…but, same old question, ‘why are there so many more horses’ asses than there are horses?'”
Some Old, Some New Observations
- “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
–Author Unknown - Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”
–Author Unknown - “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
–Drew Carey - “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
–Jeff Foxworthy - “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.”
–Dave Barry - “Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two week’s notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
–Bob Ettinger - “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.'”
–Paula Poundstone - “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh'”
–Conan O’Brien - “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God…. I could be eating a slow learner.”
–Lynda Montgomery - “I think that’s how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.'”
–Richard Jeni - “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
–Johnny Carson - “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
–Paul Rodriguez - “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.”
–Jerry Seinfeld - “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”
–Warren Hutcherson - “Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.”
–Oscar Wilde - “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
–Mark Twain - “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.”
–A. Whitney Brown - “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!'”
–Dave Barry - “Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.”
–W. C. Fields
Known to the State of California
Known to the State of California
Originally uploaded by MajorMike.
I had to laugh.
We were at Harris Ranch. A cool spot to eat between LA and Sacramento on I-5 in California. (They say “The Five” in CA). We stopped to eat and relax on our journey from Arcadia to San Jose. Here was this sign. I’d seen it before in California, but this time I had the camera.
I’m not sure why facilities in CA post these signs or what exactly they refer to (asbestos, mercury in the fish, global warming, contaminated Viagra), but I found the sign hilarious.
How can a state know anything? Scientists know, citizens know, people know, but implying a state knows is like saying, “a rock knows.” Jeepers, the State of Florida knows that drilling within 100 miles of the coast will destroy the tourist trade. Sheesh. It’s the citizens who know, or the experts in the state who know, or the legislators who think they know, but the state who knows?
Actually, those who require signs in the state of California who requred the warning sign I’m making fun of are serious about the risks they are warning about. Too bad they butcher the language in which the sign is written.
Ok, I’m a critic.