A little old man shuffled slowly into “Kilwins“, an ice cream parlor in The Villages, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?””No,” he replied, “arthritis!”
Category: funny
House in Two
Here’s a slug I got on my newsreader 1The actual article didn’t read like this from Fox news:
Smoke Break May Have Saved Woman’s Life
Brenda Comer had just finished washing dishes Monday and stepped outside to smoke a cigarette when an 80-foot oak tree crashed through her roof, landing across the sink where she had been standing, splitting her house in two.
Two observations: (1) What was she doing splitting her house in two? And (2) thank heavens for cigarettes.
Footnotes
| ↑1 | The actual article didn’t read like this |
|---|
Friday the Thirteenth
As Pogo used to say, “Looks like Friday the thirteenth falls on a Friday this month.”
Golf Quotes
- Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.
–Grantland Rice - Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
–John Updike - It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
–Robert Lynd - If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
–Horace G. Hutchinson - They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
–Gardner Dickinson - If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.
–Sam Snead Read more
Golf Facts
Here’s a long list of golf facts and observations. I’ve found them to be true:
- Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.
- Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
- When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
- If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
- The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about your golf swing.
- No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
- The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors. If it ain’t broke, try changing your grip.
- Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot. Read more